


Connections

by see_addy_write



Series: Flash Bang #1 - Bingo (Team Green) [8]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 12:28:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14425416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/see_addy_write/pseuds/see_addy_write
Summary: Post Lilith and resurrection, Jace is feeling adrift in the world, and anchors himself by moving into Magnus' apartment with Alec. This causes a few awkward moments.For the Shadowhunters Hiatus Flash Bang #1 - BingoSquare #9: Sleep Deprivation/Exhaustion





	Connections

 

Sprawled out on the lavish bed in Magnus’ guest room, Jace stared up at the ceiling, listening to the conversation between his parabatai and the warlock himself through the wall. The connection between Jace and Alec was wide open, so he could tell that his brother wasn’t upset, even without eavesdropping, but after the last few weeks, Jace didn’t know how to turn off his hypervigilance. The past month – and really, the past several, since Clary had appeared in their lives – had put him on constant high alert, and it was hard to relax now.

 

            That was why Jace was at Magnus’. As pathetic as it was, the blonde was afraid to leave Alec alone, even with the most powerful warlock in New York. After being put on different sides, and losing their parabatai bond for a moment of death, Jace almost didn’t care that he was acting like an imprinted duckling. Almost.

 

It would have been less humiliating if the entire situation wasn’t so unfair to his parabatai, and to Magnus. The two of them had finally moved past their struggles in dealing with immortality, and had moved in together, taking the next major step in their relationship. If Jace wasn’t there, they would have been able to take time to themselves, to adjust and enjoy the honeymoon stage of their relationship. Instead, they were stuck with a third wheel who refused to take a hint and stop sleeping in Magnus’ guest room, just for the security of being in the same place as his parabatai. Jace couldn’t imagine that they didn’t resent his presence; the Angel knew that _he_ would, if their roles were reversed.

 

            But Alec insisted that he didn’t see Jace like that, and even Magnus had promised, in his usual offhand manner, that the blonde was welcome at the loft for as long as he felt necessary, but it was impossible for Jace to turn off the feeling that he shouldn’t be there. Normal Shadowhunters did not cling to anyone this way. Strong men, good soldiers—neither started to panic when they couldn’t call someone’s name and expect to see that person in the next moment. They fought on their own. They let their families move forward with their lives, instead of forcing them to tiptoe around them, afraid that one wrong word would send them spiraling. Shit, if Valentine could only see him now – his mighty experiment with angel blood, the one that was supposed to destroy all Downworlders for him, so weak that he was afraid to be away from Alec. The man was probably rolling in his grave.

 

            Not that Jace had yearning to make Valentine proud, of course, but --

 

            “Jace.”

 

            The sound of his name startled Jace out of dark, self-deprecating thoughts, and he realized belatedly that Alec was standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his broad chest, dark brows drawn low over his narrowed gaze. Of course – the open nature of their bond lately made it impossible to miss when one of them began to brood, and Alec was likely there to pull Jace out of his mood on purpose. The blonde sighed, and shot Alec an approximation of his usual cocky smirk. “Miss me already?”

 

            Dark eyes rolled, but did not lose the concerned light. Jace kicked himself inwardly; he needed to stop putting that look in Alec’s eyes. “What’s wrong?”  The eldest Lightwood didn’t bother to explain how he knew that something was – they were both well aware that no one had put any mental walls back up after Jace’s encounters with Lilith, and that a lack of walls meant absolutely no mental privacy.

 

           Jace shook his head, knowing that if he told Alec exactly what he’d been thinking about, he’d be in for another lecture about how Jace was never a burden. That wasn’t going to help, and he didn’t want to monopolize any more of Alec’s attention than he had to. “I’m fine. I swear – I just got distracted for a minute.”

 

           There was a moment in which the blonde Shadowhunter wasn’t sure if Alec would let it go, but then the taller man just inclined his head in a terse nod of understanding. Jace exhaled in relief, and waved toward the door. “I’m good. Seriously,” he told his parabatai pointedly, trying to imply that Alec should go back to Magnus without actually coming out and saying it.

 

           “I wasn’t going to argue with you,” came the dry reply. “Come on. We’re going out for dinner – Magnus wants Thai, but I was just thinking burgers. You can be the tie-breaker.” Even as he spoke, his tone light, that worried expression remained. It seemed to be permanently etched on Alec’s face when he looked at Jace, these days, and it was that, more than anything, that had Jace convinced that something needed to change.

 

            “You guys go,” Jace said firmly, pushing himself up into a seated position on the mattress. “You haven’t had an actual date in weeks, and you don’t need to babysit me.”

 

            That was clearly the wrong thing to say. Alec’s shoulders went stiff, and his expression shuttered. “I’m not trying to babysit. I’m just looking out for you. I know you can be on your own; you’re a grown man. But you’re exhausted. You haven’t slept in at least three days, and I don’t feel—"

 

            “Exactly!” The blonde interrupted, smiling crookedly. “I’m tired. There’s no way I’d make it through dinner out. I’m just going to stay here and sleep.” He might actually manage it for once, too. After being awake for thirty-six hours, he was exhausted. Hopefully, that would be enough to be sure that he wouldn’t wake himself up screaming, or inadvertently pulling Alec to him with their connection. “You and Magnus need a night out, man. And I need to get my shit together. This can’t be a permanent solution, and you know it.”

 

            Alec looked uncertain, but Jace could feel his determination wavering. He wanted time alone with the warlock, no matter what he said, so Jace seized his advantage. “Go, have dinner, be romantic and disgusting, and I’ll make myself scarce,” he enticed, chuckling a little at the innuendo. “I’m sure Magnus will be happy that you can both take a night off from babysitting. He’s got to be getting sick me of me, and I’d rather he didn’t toss me out on my ass with magic when he’s finally had enough.”

 

             It was obvious that Jace had pushed his luck a little too far with that. Alec glared at him, and shook his head firmly. “Magnus knew when he met me that you and I were a packaged deal,” he said, obvious frustration in his voice.  “I don’t know where you’ve gotten this idea that he’s just looking for an excuse to kick you out. Trust me, if he really resented you being here, he would have said something. He’s not exactly shy when he’s not happy about something, which you _know_.” Alec paused, and sucked in a breath before adding slowly, “But I guess if you really want to stay  here while we go to dinner—”

 

            “I do.”

 

            Alec gave Jace a sour look at the interruption, and the blonde huffed an unapologetic laugh, waving a hand to gesture the taller man to continue. “—if you want to stay here and get some sleep, I’m not going to argue. I’ll have my phone on the whole time, and a portal will only take a minute if  --“

 

            “Oh, _for the love of_ – Alec. You’re not dropping me off at the Academy for the first time. I can handle a few hours on my own!” This time, Jace didn’t feel the least bit sorry for his interruption. “I know I’ve been –“ The blonde hesitated, trying to find a word that could encapsulate all of his panic and clinging without making him sound completely pathetic, “-- a mess, lately.” Even that was an understatement, but it was as much as Jace’s pride could take. “And I’ve been leaning on you a lot. More than I should have been.” He dropped his gaze to the elaborately decorated comforter on the bed for a moment, then forced himself to raise it again and meet Alec’s. “But I’m a big boy, parabatai. You don’t need to feel – responsible for me, or anything like that.”

 

            Dark eyes narrowed, and through their connection, Jace could feel Alec’s mounting frustration with him. He sighed, pushing blonde hair back out of his face, and tried to find the right words to fix it. “I just mean –“

 

            “I know what you meant. That’s the problem,” Alec interrupted, his expression closed off and tone terse. Again, Jace was hit with a rush of frustration and hurt through their bond, and the latter made Jace feel guilty. He hadn’t meant to hurt Alec’s feelings—he was just trying to explain himself.  “You really believe that you’re here because I feel sorry for you, and feel an obligation to help, and that Magnus is just letting it happen because he doesn’t want to piss me off.”

 

            Silence reigned between them for several long moments, and Jace found that he didn’t know what to say. Alec was obviously angry, but Jace honestly couldn’t figure out why. The situation had been summarized pretty well, and what was he supposed to do, argue? The look on Alec’s face suggested that he should disagree, but what about that was wrong? His own frustration began to mount, and Jace tugged restless fingers through his hair, waiting for Alec to give him some signal of what he wanted from him.

 

            “Look.” Alec sat down on the bed next to him and reached out, resting his hand on Jace’s shoulder to catch his attention again. “I don’t know why you think you’re the only one feeling that way. I felt you die, and then spent months thinking I was going to lose you to the mother of demons or Jonathan. You’re not the only one who wants to stay close, Jace. Every time you leave the room, I have to stop myself from following, and I’m literally anxious at the idea of leaving the loft while you stay here. So if you’re pathetic, or whatever it is you’re thinking, so am I. So do me a favor and just just – _shut up_. Stop saying that. Stop _thinking_ that. I’m not doing you a favor. We’re just both doing the best we can.”

 

            This time, the silence felt less tense, and Jace leaned into Alec, pulling him into a short hug. He took a couple of deep breaths, centering himself – and maybe, if what the taller man said was true, Alec too – and pulled back, looking up with a lopsided smile. “Okay. But I am going to stay here and get some sleep. Maybe I can actually sleep without you guys making all that noise in the next room!”

 

            Alec made a face, and swatted at Jace’s shoulder with no real force. “You’re hilarious,” he said, rolling his eyes. They both knew that Alec and Magnus hadn’t had the time, nor the privacy to do anything intimate. Besides, if they had, Jace would know about it, with their bond as wide open as it was – and Alec was way too private of a person to allow that. Especially after their mortifying experiences just after their Parabatai Ceremony!

 

           Had he known exactly how the evening would play out, Jace wasn’t sure that he would have been quite as adamant that he stay behind and out of Alec and Magnus’ way. In fact, he might have insisted on tagging along, instead.

 

*****

 

           The next morning, Jace stumbled out of the guest bedroom and into the kitchen, bleary eyed and no more rested than he had been before when Alec and Magnus left for dinner. His parabatai looked up at him, eyes clouded with concern, from where he sat at the table with a cup of coffee. “I thought you were supposed to rest last night?” he asked reprovingly, while Magnus handed Jace a mug of his own and settled back at the table.

 

            Jace glared heatedly at Alec. “I _tried_ ,” he objected. “But I want you to think about last night for a minute, Alec. Just think about it, and tell me what you _forgot to do_ before you spent the whole night letting Magnus get you all hot and bothered.” Jace crossed his arms across his chest, refusing to be amused by the ridiculousness of their situation. Under normal circumstances, when he wasn’t spread too thin and exhausted, Jace would have made fun of his parabatai and just laughed. As it was, he was not nearly as understanding.

 

            When Alec just blinked at him, Jace hissed, “ _Shields,_ parabatai! You didn’t put up any shields! You left everything wide open!”

 

            It had happened before, of course. Right after their parabatai ceremony. Neither boy had been sure how to lock down their ends of the bond, and they had spent the first several weeks barely able to tell where Jace ended and Alec began. It hadn’t mattered to their instructors; it was encouraged, during the first few weeks of training, to strengthen the bond and let them learn together. Alec had put a stop to it pretty quickly, though, after Jace had run off with Leah Branwell to spend some _quality time_ together in a broom closet. Alec had been in a meeting with his mother, and the results had apparently been mortifying. It had also led to the first time Alec had ever managed to wipe the training mats with Jace, too, out of sheer anger and embarrassment.

 

            Until now, Jace had never been on the receiving end. The two of them had always been more than careful to keep the bond locked down during romantic interludes – they shared a soul, a family, and all of their secrets, but sharing a sex life was taking it too far. There were some things that Jace didn’t need – or want! -- to know about Alec, or Magnus. Not to mention, having one’s body react to something that was happening to someone else was a bizarre, uncomfortable experience. It had kept him awake all night, and Jace had ended up in a cold shower, putting up as many walls to block out the sensations as he could. It helped somewhat, but not enough for Jace to actually get any rest.

 

            Alec blinked at the vehemence in Jace’s tone, obviously surprised by the response. He set the mug he was holding down slowly, eyes widening as a pink flush spread over his cheeks and up toward his hairline. “I _– oh.”_

           “Yeah. ‘Oh’,” Jace mimicked, sinking down to his seat at the table with his coffee mug and a sulk. 

           Magnus, it seemed, was not struck quite as speechless as his boyfriend, though his glamoured eyes went wide for a moment before he caught himself. The warlock cocked his head to one side curiously, and he took a delicate sip from his mug, as if giving himself some time to consider his next words. “You told me once that you did not feel those things,” he said finally, his tone bordering on accusatory. “You said you could just feel that he was happier. But the way you said that, just now, suggests that is not the case.”

 

           That was apparently enough to snap Alec out of his silence; apparently, neither of the other men had felt the need to share that awkward rooftop conversation with him. “What? You told him – when were you two talking about me?” The eldest Lightwood demanded of Jace, looking disconcerted at the idea. “I don’t think I like that.”

 

           “Not the point, Alec!” Jace insisted, and shrugged in answer to Magnus’ question. “I can’t _normally_ feel those things. We both usually have really good walls up on the parabatai bond so this kind of shit doesn’t happen, but lately –”

 

           There was a small, mortified noise from Alec. When Jace turned to look at him, his pale face had been suffused with red from his hairline the whole way down his neck. His irritation at being discussed behind his back had apparently died, and the  embarrassment had returned. Against his will, Jace’s lips twitched in amusement, and  Magnus’s gaze darted to him, a smirk beginning to form on his lips.

 

           “ – we haven’t been as careful,” Jace finished explaining, ignoring the interruption. “Because we’ve wanted to keep closer tabs on each other. But believe me, that was _not_ what I had in mind! I have never wanted to keep tabs on that part of your relationship! And it will never, ever happen again. Right, Alec?” He kicked his parabatai under the kitchen table.

 

          Alec glanced up from where he had hidden his face in his hands, elbows propped on the tabletop. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I didn’t want to close it off when we left just in case, and then –”

 

          “You got distracted,” Jace supplied. “Yeah. I know. Believe me.” He shook his head, and allowed a little of the amusement to seep through his annoyed expression.

 

          The blush on Alec’s cheeks intensified, and he kicked Jace back under the table. “Right. So, yeah. We’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again, Magnus.”

 

          The warlock waved a hand gracefully, and turned back to Jace, the gleam in his eyes calculating. Obviously, the vague explanation he’d been given wasn’t quite enough. Jace sighed, but waited, resolving to be honest about the experience. After all, it was really Alec’s fault!

 

          “You mean to tell me, that last night, while Alexander and I were –” Magnus waved a jeweled hand in the air pointedly. “You knew it was happening? Or was it more detailed than that?”

 

          There was another embarrassed huff from Alec, and Jace couldn’t help but smirk through the lingering sense of mortification. Idly, he reached out for the sugar and dumped a spoonful into his coffee, then a second, before answering the question. “Let’s just say I know way, way more about what you two do in the bedroom than I’ve ever felt the need to,” Jace drawled, taking a swig of his own coffee. “On the bright side, I think that was enough to convince me I need to get my ass back to the Institute. I can’t keep staying here and upsetting your lives – clearly, if you’re having sex for _six hours_ the first chance you get, you’ve been waiting too long! It might put too much strain on your heart, or something.”

 

        It was impossible to say that with a straight face, and at Alec’s groan, Jace burst out laughing. It was the first proper fit of laughter he’d experienced since Lilith, and it felt good – like he had finally stumbled back into the sunlight after way too long skulking in the shadows. He grinned at Alec, then leaned over to shove his shoulder. “And in case I wasn’t clear earlier,  we’re making damn sure sure that there aren’t any repeats of that. Ever. You had your revenge for Leah Branwell –”

 

        “Jace.” Alec kicked him hard, under the table. “Shut up. I don’t even want to think about that, and—”

 

        “Now, Alexander, wait just a minute! I am going to have to insist that I hear this story,” Magnus put in, and snapped glittering fingers to summon breakfast. Three plates, loaded with pancakes, appeared in front of them, along with butter and syrup and anything else they might need for them.  Alec gave his boyfriend an exasperated look. “I was going to make French toast,” he complained, but had a fork in his hand in the next second. “And if you’re hearing that story, Jace is telling it, because I will have nightmares for the next week about the look on my mother’s face when she realized what was happening!”

 

        “Maryse was involved, too? ”Magnus leaned his chin on one hand, looking toward Jace expectantly. “Now I really must now!”

 

         It was so easy to fall into the story, and into the easy camaraderie around the table that morning. Jace had always been able to anchor himself to his parabatai, when things got difficult, and that obviously hadn’t changed now, despite all they had been through. Alec had fallen in love, taken on an impossible job, and watched Jace fall into the darkest, most painful experience of his life—and he was still there. The two of them were still solid, their connection stronger than ever, and for that, Jace would never be able to express his gratitude. This was what it was to have a family. To have a brother. And that, Jace realized, was something that Jonathan and Lilith could never understand. And it was time to stop hiding from the rest of his family, and the rest of his life.

 

         Feeling lighter than he had in a long time, Jace leaned forward over the table toward Magnus, grinning mischievously.

 

         “Well, it started when Alec went to the Academy without me… ” 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
